Most Feared Questions

What are you thinking about?

Do you love me?

Do I look fat?

Do you think she is prettier than me?

What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth).

Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below along with possible responses.

Question #1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Nothing

b. Motor bikes

c. Britney Spears

d. How fat you are

e. How would I spend the insurance money if you died

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you"

Question #2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "Yes" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is necessary, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh yeah, sh*t loads

b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c. That depends on what you mean by love

d. Does it matter

e. Who, me?

Question #3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?

b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.

c. A little extra weight looks good on you

d. I've seen fatter

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #4: Do you think she is prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes but you have a better personality

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner

c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age

d. Define "pretty"

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow up questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (Makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.

WOMAN: ...silence...

MAN: Sh*t.