Subject: Think about it.......

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas...I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"